Now, before you guys with locks like Rapunzel start screaming and crying about how wonderful your hair is, please put the brush down and listen for a second. Having hair is not a bad thing, I guess, it is just time consuming and harmful to the environment.
How much time do you waste each day looking at the newest, most GQ metro sexual hairstyles? How much money, resources, and energy are lost or used while you spend time in the mirror playing with your hair? I think men do this more than women, but are more discreet about it than women are.
I am going to give you a few reasons why bald men not only save more money, but make the world a better place:
1) Bald men are environmentally friendly (so all you greenies pay attention). You can go camping without using batteries for lights. Baby oil, a bald head, and the right angle in the moonlight will light up your campsite like you would not believe. This saves trees, campfire usage, and lets Smokey the Bear sleep at night.
2) Bald men soak up most of the sun's harmful UV rays. So next time you laugh at a sun burnt head, remember that head just saved your butt. Boats, motorcycles, convertibles, jet skis, etc. all save on fuel because of the streamlined aerodynamics of a bald head. Want to save on gas prices? Get a bald man or have yours become one.
3) Draft like a race car behind a bald guy in the shopping center. We tend to move fast and drafting behind one of us will cut your shopping time in half. Plus, we do not spend 20 minutes in the haircare section looking for the latest gel or lubrication to apply to our manes. Also, we have no concept of the word "salon" and we save anywhere from -800 (depending on your political affiliation) bucks every 2 weeks by not knowing this word.
4) Bald men save on electricity and water. Men with hair (or those trying to hold on to what they have left) constantly burn up electricity and those horrible things called "light bulbs". They stand in the mirror for what seems like hours on end looking, combing, brushing, looking, parting, slicking back, looking...blow drying, brushing, looking, flexing, smiling, parting, brushing, farting, blow drying again, looking...
As this charade/pastime/paranoia/compulsiveness is going on, the electricity meter box outside is spinning faster than a quasar. All of this AFTER the 30 minute shower. Washing their hair with a pre-shampoo shampoo, then some magical regrowth or mystical re-color treatment, then shampoo with some aloe herbal with dirt mix (to make it sound manly), then some kind of fortifying conditioner crap that will keep their hair attached to their head for eternity.
Now how much water was just wasted that could have been used to save the Desert Snail from extinction!? I can guarantee that no hot water is left after they are finished with their "washing". Bald guys, heck we don't need lights. We don't need any electricity. Just about 5 minutes of water in the shower. If no shower, just a sink full of water. Eco-friendly to the extreme. If a bald guy does not run Greenpeace, then he should.
Anyway...back to saving the world...give us a bar of soap, a razor, and we are clean, smooth, and out the door in 15 minutes flat while the "other guy" is still rinsing mighty putty out of his hair. Also, how many chemicals have bald people saved from being created and used in the world? The hole in the ozone layer just got a hundred miles smaller in diameter because of the bald man's random acts of environment friendly conscienceness. Who lives in Antarctica anyway?
5) Haircare products for men. Hair "clubs" for men. Hair plugs for men. Why would anyone ever want their head plugged? Sounds like an ancient Egyptian embalming process. Wigs, toupees, etc...don't get me started on that. These are instances where bald men save money because they do not spend it on this kind of crap.
Hairstyles are weird today anyway. Most look like they are never brushed and had a sword or hedge trimmer chop at it and call it a "fresh, new" style. Whatever. Ever notice how the finest things of the world are fancy, clean, and polished? Not chopped, gangly, combed over, or slicked back? My point exactly.
6) Bald men do not get lice. Or dandruff. Or gray hair. Or sweaty hair. Or bad highlights. Or clogged drains because of hair. Or spray painted heads. No CFC's here baby. Again, more harsh chemicals not being used in the world.
7) We do not get gum stuck in or head or a bird trying to build a nest in it. Bald men save insurance premiums because they are not busy combing their hair in the rear view mirror. Our wives get more attention because our grooming habits are lessened substantially. We save marriages as well as the Earth.
8) Bald men could stop "Global Warming". Bald men could unite and reflect the rays of the sun back into space and help cool down the planet (even though it has cooled down but sounds good on paper). That .000001% could make a huge difference. Better yet, we could reflect the rays into homes across the world and keep homes at a comfortable climate, thus reducing the need for natural gas use.
One more use would be to install solar panels all over the place and have bald men reflect sunlight into the panels to create an abundance of solar energy, again reducing the need for fossil fuels and natural gas.
9) If you were stranded on an island who would you rather have? You bet. What a beacon. A bald guy could flag down any ship or plane within a 50 mile radius.
10) Bald men also make more money because they have more time to do so. Every politician, CEO, and president of any business should be bald. They would be able to spend more time making decisions on how to make their businesses/stockholders more money and save taxpayer money because they do not have to worry about their appearance so much.
Yes, I know many people who have hair are successful and rich, but how much more money could they make or save if they used my strategies above? Most have very bad hair anyway.
We need a bald president. Male or female, whatever. They just have to be bald.
Baldness can save the world. One head at a time. Forget saving a tree. Save a head from being hairy. Then the environment and the hope of the world will be preserved.
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